How did this happen? As Dr. Phil says, was my “picker” broken? I can answer that with a resounding YES, my picked was indeed faulty on every single level. But that wasn’t the major reason why none of the men I met were the one for whom I was searching. The reason I never found my other half, as they say, is because he doesn’t exist.
I know some of you are throwing your hands up and thinking to yourself that I truly am the Homecoming Queen of Crazy Town. What I can say, though, is that as long as I was looking for the man who would complete me, I was rocking my tiara, rolling with my sash, and reigning all over Crazy Town. No one can ever complete you–you have to complete yourself. Two halves don’t make a whole, healthy relationship. Two halves make a relationship of two people who are sucking the life out of each other trying to take the other’s energy to make themselves whole. It just doesn’t work the way they portray it in the movies.
“You complete me,” is a wonderful movie line and great for Hallmark Cards, but if you’re a healthy, whole person, no one completes you. The right person can absolutely add to your life in ways that bring you abundant happiness and love. But if someone else is completing you, then you need to work on yourself a little more. I know you hopeless romantics out there aren’t liking this, but anything can happen in life. Tragedy can strike in a moment and what if the “one who completes you” is taken from you sooner than you think? Will the rest of your family and friends be left without you because your wholeness is gone?
It’s fine to love someone and say they are your everything and that you love them with your entire heart and soul. The healthy attitude to have, though, is that you would never say that you couldn’t live without that person, only that you hope you never have to live without them. As a survivor I can tell you, I have lost people I never thought I could live without and look at me, living every day. That isn’t to minimize their magnificent presence in my life, but I grieved losing them and I learned to find joy again.
Heartbreak happens and people get abandoned, divorced, cheated on, and devastated every single day. My heart has been broken so many times, but I eventually let the tears cry themselves away and I move on with my life. Your happiness should never be held in someone else’s hands. You need to grasp that happiness of yours with everything you have and pronounce to the world that you have worked damn hard to find your personal happiness and no one else controls it, but you.
I told a male friend recently that I no longer derived my self-worth from my personal relationships. I explained that I could love a man deeply, and that I certainly would miss that man terribly if he left, but I would be fine and I would survive. It’s a powerful statement to make. The friend looked at me and said that was the sexiest thing he’d heard in a long time because needy people are so draining and difficult to deal with in life. He went on to explain that he wants a woman who he feels lucky to have, a strong woman, not a woman who would jump at whoever picked her because she was that lonely.
Don’t be that woman. If you currently are that woman or have been that woman in your past, don’t feel bad, most of us have been her at some point. I was her for a long time. Just make a conscious decision to change that attitude. You don’t have to be hard or a bitch, just be wonderful, spectacular you. You may not have realized it before, but you have always been enough anyway. God didn’t create you to be anything except enough. YOU decide that you are enough. No one else does. You are a blessing to this planet and to anyone who is lucky enough to have you come into their world. No one can make you feel that you aren’t enough. That is a personal decision on your part. When we begin to own how we feel, we become intensely more powerful.
This was a lesson I had to learn. Instead of saying, “YOU make me feel like I’m not enough,” I had to learn to start every single statement with “I feel…..” When you make that switch you realize that you are the one who is feeling that way, you own it. That other person didn’t make you feel that way, you chose to feel that way because you were giving away your personal power to that other person or situation. There are so many people out there who try to make themselves feel better by making everyone else feel bad about themselves. Do not give those kinds of people an ounce more of your energy.
I’ve had enough of that in my life. When I encounter someone like that I immediately withdraw from them and remind myself of my truth. I choose how I feel and no one can make me feel less-than ever again. I call up my BFF, Lori, and I tell her that I had to escape this person because I started to feel them trying to crush my spirit and I recognized that I can’t be in their presence. I stay away from those types of emotional vampires. They may need to put someone down in order to feel better about themselves, but I don’t have people like that on my team.
I believe in supporting my friends and I constantly tell them they are amazing and beautiful. I believe in supporting all women and trying to empower each person I encounter. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all women could do that for each other? Sadly, we will most likely always have mean girls on the planet, but I don’t waste my time on them. I surround myself with positive, good people, who just like me, are trying to improve themselves and become the best people they can be.
If you don’t have those kinds of people in your life, you can find them. There was a time when my only friends were online or were states away. That is one nice thing about living in a society obsessed with social media, you can always find new people—the kind who will support you and see your beauty. My mom used to always tell me to stop trying to fit in when I was born to stand out. It’s perfectly perfect to just be you. We are each unique and special in our own way and we are supposed to be!!!
Let me let you in on a little secret. I am a hot mess. My life is not perfect and neither am I. I flipping embrace the fact that I am the Homecoming Queen of Crazy Town. What normal person does that? I still have moments when I scream out, “I’m fat !!!” I have days that I pick a terrible clothing combination and I tell Lori, “I am a fashion DON’T today, I thought I looked good when I left the house, but man was I wrong.” I say the wrong things to people sometimes, I make mistakes and sometimes I cry waaay more than I should. I snap at my son, I stomp around my house and pout from time-to-time, and I’m a chicken little and am always scared of things that probably will never happen. Still, I love my crazy, little self.
God didn’t make a mistake when he created me or you. I am eclectic and I embrace that fact. Nonnie always told me, “Never be like the rest of them darling.” It took me a long time to realize how right she was in that guidance. Today, I celebrate me and I love me. If I love you, I love you with my entire soul. I try to be good to everyone I encounter and my prayer in the morning is always that God will be happy with me when I go to sleep that night. It makes me happy to be good to people. Have I been betrayed and hurt? Indeed, I have–by many, and here I am, still deriving my joy from being the best me I can and loving the people I choose to love. The key part of that sentence is loving the people I choose to love. I don’t love anyone who makes me feel that I am hard to love and neither should you.
A hard fact I had to learn is that we teach people how to treat us and they are happy to oblige us in that regard. Refuse to accept anything except love and respect. People will either give it to you, or you cut them from your team. Many people say that they have a tight-knit circle of friends, but eventually you learn that there is a big difference between who is in your circle and who is in your corner. Ultimately, though, there is only one person fighting for your happiness, and that’s you.
Be a World Champion.