The People We Lose Along the Way….

In News by Kelley Gunter33 Comments

I received a phone call from a friend and when I answered, her panicked voice said, “shit just got real.”  Not the words you want to hear when you pick up the phone so I immediately said, “Oh God, what happened ??”  She told me that one of our friends had just found out her husband had been cheating on her and had announced he was leaving her for the other woman.

Silence.

Silence can be deafening.  My mind was swirling with questions, but my mouth was exploding with a barrage of expletives and quite-creative names that I was bestowing upon the heathen who had just unleashed a storm of heartbreak into the soul of one of my dearest friends. Had a stranger overheard my end of the conversation, quite certainly they would have thought that I was afflicted with Tourette’s.  I was so outraged because I knew my friend was not only suffering, but she was blindsided by someone she adored and trusted.

I am in no way a perfect friend, but I am a loyal friend and if I love you, I will defend you staunchly.  I will be by your side through the fire and climb through the ruins of your life with you.  What I knew without a doubt was that my friend’s life was suddenly turned upside down. I knew the healing wasn’t going to be easy or quick. It never is when we lose someone we love.  Grief is a bitch.

People mistakenly think that we only grieve when someone dies.  Just as hurtful, and possibly even more difficult to sometimes heal from, are the funerals we attend for those who are still living—the ones we never bury.  Those losses—the broken relationships, the friendships gone wrong, the betrayals of family—those are the punches that leave us staggering in the ring of life.  We become the walking wounded, moving numbly throughout our days, shell-shocked and barely existing.

Our thoughts race with so many unanswered questions: What did I do to deserve this?  Why wasn’t I enough?  What does she have that I don’t have? How could he do this to me? Why doesn’t he love me? Doesn’t he care how much he’s hurting me?  If we allow it, those questions will be like a poltergeist in Amityville, they will haunt us forever.  But how do we stop that from happening?

The first thing is to understand that what you are actually experiencing is grief.  A person doesn’t have to die for you to experience grief.  Grief is compelling.  Grief is overwhelming and it doesn’t just subside on its own.  Grief has infinite patience and it waits. I’ve always described grief as that murky fog that creeps into your soul and hovers over it, refusing to dissipate on its own.  Contrary to popular opinion, time doesn’t heal anything.  It doesn’t heal broken hearts, broken relationships, or the loss of a loved one.  What does heal those things?  You do.

A crucial step to begin healing is to learn about grief.  There are actually five stages to the grief process.

  1. Denial— I’ve always referred to denial as the shock absorber for the soul.  The pain of loss can be so overwhelming that initially you just can’t allow yourself to believe that the loss has occurred.  Denial allows us to slowly merge into the reality of what has happened.
  2. Anger—This is a simple one to explain. It is what it is.  You are mad. You are pissed off.  You are angry at the person who hurt you or left you.  You are angry at the world.  You’re mad at yourself, the situation and pretty much everything and everybody.
  3. Bargaining—You make bargains in your mind about what would change the situation. “If I lose weight, he’ll be back.” “If I quit drinking, she will come home.”  “If I become a better person, he will embrace me again.”
  4. Depression—You feel miserable. Sadness and sorrow encompass you.  You sink into a world of feeling hopeless and like nothing will ever be better or the same again.  Despair consumes you.
  5. Acceptance—You begin to accept the reality of the situation and healing begins.

It’s important to remember that you don’t necessarily go through these stages in any specific order.  You may bounce around from stage to stage and you may revisit one or more stages.  The crucial fact to hang onto is you will survive.  It may feel as if you won’t, but you will get through this gut-wrenching pain.  The sad reality is that loss is a part of life.  Be gentle with yourself—expect to be in shock for a while.  It has happened.  It is real.  You’re hurting and it’s okay to admit it.

         The progression of healing

While time alone doesn’t heal the loss, the healing process itself does take time.  The greater the loss, the more time it takes to heal.  Know that the healing process has its progressions and regressions—it is not the smooth upward improvement many people assume. It’s more of a lightning bolt, full of ups and downs, dramatic leaps and depressing backslides.

Really take care of yourself during this process.  Get lots of rest, but don’t become lethargic.  Meditate and try to quiet some of the chaos that is consuming your inner world.  When this inner turmoil happens, it’s good to stick to your schedule in the outer world.  Expect your judgment to be clouded, so try to keep decision making to a minimum.

You have an emotional wound and those take focused self-work, coupled with time, to heal. Invest your energy into healing and growing.  Don’t spend a lot of time on the question of why.  It’s human to wonder why, but try to quickly realize that, as harsh as this sounds, why is irrelevant.  It doesn’t really matter why your loved one cheated on you, why your significant other left you, why your friend abandoned you, or why your family betrayed you.  At the end of the day, the relationship is over.

The quicker you can accept that and begin your healing process, the better. You shouldn’t have to rip yourself into pieces to keep other people whole.  Rather than asking why people keep hurting you, ask yourself why you keep allowing it?  If someone left you, cheated on you, betrayed you, or disappeared on you, there is a lesson to be learned from the incredibly hurtful situation.  Their behavior is a reflection on them, not on you.  Stay away from people who make you feel that you are hard to love.  I know the stabbing pain of betrayal and the sting of abandonment, but I also finally realized that most of the people who left my life, weren’t who I thought they were…I just needed time and healing to figure that out.

None of us deserve to be hurt. We deserve to be loved and for the vulnerability and trust that we gave someone to be honored and respected.  When that doesn’t happen, we come close to drowning in the tidal wave of heartbreak that attempts to destroy us.  That pain can lead us down a path of self-destruction and if we aren’t careful, we can litter the trail of our lives with mistakes. It’s okay, we all make them, but it’s important to try to be cognizant of our behaviors while we are in pain. Remember that hurt people…hurt people. Don’t cause more pain.  If you make some mistakes, if possible, try to rectify them.  I’d rather be known as an honest sinner than a lying hypocrite.

Don’t let the hurt from a loss harden you to life.  Being both a soft person and a strong person is a duality that very few people have mastered, but it is a beautiful combination.  Do not let someone else’s weaknesses affect your own self-worth.  Once you’ve survived the painful typhoon, remember how it felt to be lost and terrified.  Strong women stand up for themselves, but even stronger women stand up for others as well.  Hold someone up.  Be that friend who doesn’t waiver.  When the storms of life are unleashing havoc into a friend’s world, be the safe haven of hope that they so desperately need.

The people we lose along the way—those who abandon us, betray us, or leave us simply because they didn’t love us—are they really a loss?  If someone can walk away from you, let them walk.  Be your own heroine and save yourself.  Don’t let the manipulative game players in life, make you a bitter person.  Always remember that Kings and Queens don’t play games, jokers do.  I was abandoned by several so-called friends in the last two years. I was telling my story to a friend I had reconnected with and she looked at me and calmly said, “Oh, so God took your trash out.”

Let that sink in.

Your future is as bright as your faith.

Comments

  1. Lordie, Lordie… grieving over those who are still living but are lost to us. Excruciating. I’ve sadly experienced this on more than one occasion. In some situations, as I reflect on the situation, I can clearly see that I did more than my share to poison the relationship. In other cases, it is so difficult to understand how things fell apart so completely. In still others, I have made the difficult decision to close the door on my relationships with people I love but who offered only unhappiness in my life. Living, learning and sometimes losing. All bring lessons. Still working on mine. 🙂

  2. Thank you Kelly we all go through rough times and the steps are defiantly important . Learning to love myself was the hardest after many years I have and also have met someone who loves me for me . Your awesome don’t ever change

  3. Beautiful advise my dear friend. I appreciate you sharing this. ❤️❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘😘😘

  4. Love this! This subject is one of my fears. Who’s gonna stay and who’s going to leave.

  5. Very very true . In learning that sometimes we must let go of the baggage that hinds us . Does it hurt ? Sure it does , do I still think of those people who have left me for whatever reason ? Yes I do but now I know it’s not going to bog me down & I am in the end better off. I am learning that grief is in many forms !
    I love you Kelley & your open, honesty in your blogs of real life

  6. Your friend nailed it. God took your trash out. A very powerful statement, and ever so true. I’m going to hold onto that for a long time. Really appreciated this topic. It hit home for sure.

  7. Absolutely wonderful reading. I am currently experiencing a friend loss, I think… I wanted to be supportive of her but she questioned that. She is silent until she decides she may want my opinion or advice… My other friend says to cut her loose, I am having trouble doing that. Sigh.
    Thank you for a great blog!!

    1. Author

      You are so welcome and I am so happy that you enjoyed the blog. Losses are always hard and so difficult to process and move on from. Hopefully this will help you in some small way. Always remember your worth. xoxo

  8. WOW are on point about Grieving or what! I have been betrayed by, men, family, friends, and I have lost one of my daughters, my best friend, and both my parents to death. It felt like an instant connection to every word you said. If I could have written this as eloquent as you have, it would be exactly what you said.
    I always tell my family of choice to keep breathing. At times that is all we can do.

  9. For every season my dear. While in those moments it stings, cuts deep and just down right hurts, as we both well know; it too shall pass. Wishing them well and picking up our pieces becomes the prize as well as a valuable lesson. I understand and I get it. Love you my dear friend!! 💕

  10. Wow! Such a powerful blog, thank you so much! I have been grieving over the loss of my family. After surgery, my mother made a decision for my brother, niece & nephew and for herself to stop talking to me. I have been grieving this since Jan 2016 and it still hurts. This blog will definitely help me.

    Thank you Kelley!

    1. Author

      Thank you and I’m so happy that the blog touched you and will help you along the way. Thank you so much for the comment. xoxo

  11. This is so great! I love your writing! Not only do you have a talent for making the situation real to everyone who reads your words, you impart wisdom and much hope in your message. AND regardless of how serious the topic may be, I always find myself giggling at some point(s) along the way! Thanks for this very true message and the great lessons we can all gain from it!

    1. Author

      Thank you….. I love the way you observe my style…..you are so correct…..my wicked wit comes through always….even in the most sincere and serious posts, it finds a way to sneak in there. I love you my friend. xoxo

  12. Thank you so much for this powerful blog Kelley it means a lot and hit the spot. I appreciate you!!

  13. One of your BEST BLOGS!!! Straight and to the point!!!

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