Some things in life are just hard to figure out. Historically, I was the type of person who needed to make sense of something cognitively to be able to accept it emotionally. Much to my dismay, life usually didn’t care what I wanted and rarely, if ever, provided me with that type of simple resolution. Instead of accepting that some things would just never make sense, I forged onward in my quest, wasting time, looking for reasons that didn’t exist. There I was, smiling and waving from atop my float, leading the parade around and around the same damn block in Crazy Town, never arriving anywhere.
I spent over a decade of my life weighing almost four hundred pounds. I certainly didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand why I had to be stuck in my body. My friends weren’t trapped in my kind of body. I felt so beaten and destroyed. I wanted to like the woman I saw in the mirror, but I didn’t. I think the sadness I saw in my own reflection devastated me. I wanted to feel pretty, I wanted to feel desired and loved, I wanted to be healthy and active. I wanted to be happy and enjoy my life. Sadly, at the time, I felt the polar opposite of all those things. Happiness seemed fleeting at best, and usually elusive and far away. My self esteem was at an all-time low and as you can imagine, I didn’t make the best decisions.
Actually, I made disastrous decisions. I was so starved for love and acceptance and wanted to fit in so desperately, that I settled for people and things that only contributed to my already toxic existence. If you are a Game of Thrones fan, you’re familiar with Khaleesi, the monarch with numerous titles. At that time in my life, I, too, had many titles. Mine, though, weren’t so positive. My introduction would have gone something like this:
Introducing her Grace, Queen Ruler of the Kingdom of Crazy Town, The First of Her Name, The Forgiver of the Remorseless, Lover of the Unworthy, Keeper of Grudges, Embracer of the Thankless, Enabler of the Offenders, The Broken, The Bitter, Lady Kelley, The Homecoming Queen of Crazy Town.
As insane as all of that sounds, it was true. Feeling like I had no options, I tended to tolerate whatever was thrown my way. It’s like I was stuck in The Dressing Room of Life, trying on love and friendships that just didn’t fit. I would try to squeeze and wiggle my way into things that were never meant for me. I lived in denial of the fact that there were other options in the great mall of life. Instead of continuing on and shopping for something that was actually my size, I emotionally paid the price, filling the closet of my world with situations and people that would never fit.
I gave meaning to people’s actions and words that were never genuine in the first place. It’s hard to see reality looking through the blinders of pain. Anything that is not based on truth will eventually fail. Unfortunately, there are people in this world who will use you, abuse you, talk shit about you, laugh at you, mock you, and smile in your face. They will say they love you and then celebrate your defeats. The haters of the world. We’ve all encountered some of those. Initially they can be hard to detect, and they might even seem almost perfect. Be very careful about people and things that seem too good to be true–even the garden of Eden had a snake in it.
Yes, cowardly people love to throw stones, but a true Queen knows how to build her empire out of the very stones that were hurled at her. The construction process isn’t an easy or quick one, but the new world you find yourself living in will be well worth it. Begin to build the life you desire. You may only be at the planning stage, and that’s perfectly fine. Design it the way you want it. Envision it, draw it, dream about it, pray about it, demand that the universe delivers it to you. Realize, though, that as you begin to build, immediately there will be people who are threatened. You will absolutely lose people along the way. The closer you get to reaching your dream, the more intimidated some people will feel. Their comfort lies in you remaining where you were.
It’s a simple mathematical equation really. If one side of the problem is less than, then the other side of the problem is greater than. The people you lose along the way, felt greater when you felt less. That’s a major problem. Don’t feel bad about subtracting them from your life. I have lost many people who I believed loved me in my life–friends, lovers, even family. At the time it was devastating. Eventually I came to realize that they were on the left side of the equal sign…meaning they were part of the problem, not the solution.
The solution is this: recognize that you are worthy of wonderful things. You deserve the best that life has to offer simply because you are a child of God. Learning to love yourself isn’t a quick or easy journey, but when you arrive, it’s a beautiful destination. When I stopped trying to control anything except myself, and accepted that there were some things in life that I would just never understand, I began to experience peace. When you discover your worth, amazing changes begin to unfold in unbelievable ways. Things may seem impossible or hopeless now, but life can change in an instant. Even if there doesn’t seem to be a way for you to get what you want, you can pray and visualize how you want things to turn out. That’s how the law of attraction works and that’s exactly what I did.
My situation appeared to be as close to hopeless as one could get. I needed to lose weight desperately and I had tried and failed for years. My insurance didn’t cover bariatric surgery. I didn’t make a lot of money, I didn’t have the credit to pay for surgery, and I was a single mom, trying to survive. Yet every night I visualized myself being thin and healthy. I thought about how I would look, the clothes I would wear, the place I would walk into, how people would react, the things they would say, how I would respond, and how I would feel. Night after night, I thought of the exact same things. Sixteen years ago, when I first met with Kim, my surgeon’s assistant, I told her, “after I lose this weight, I’m going to write a book and its title is going to be, “You Have Such a Pretty Face.” That book was released three months ago.
Against all odds, every bit of it happened.
It can happen for you too. I’ve fought the battle myself, so I know how scary it can be. I will tell you this–you have to work through that fear and fight for the life you desire. Remember your worth, all that you deserve, and don’t you dare stop fighting until you get it. There may be some people against you. Always remember, you can’t be a champion without an opponent. Keep your eyes on your goal and crush every obstacle that gets in your way. Every small victory puts you one step closer on your journey to reclaim your throne. You will survive the battle and you will emerge looking like royalty.
So, warrior up, Badass. You got this.